A Change of Heart
by Caffeinated Star
Summary: Knowing that Minerva and Hagrid would never forgive him if he didn't, Dumbledore made a very drastic change for Harry Potter's future. His new family might be a bit dysfunctional, but it was better than a cupboard.
1. A Change of Heart

**A Change of Heart**

_This whole family needs a shrink! - Piper, Charmed, 6x18_

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><p>Dumbledore looked down at the little boy that was his prized students' son. Green eyes gazed up at him, and his thoughts flashed to the boy's mother. A disapproving stare was on her face, and she was pulling out her wand. He looked over to his Deputy to see she was giving him the very same stare. His good friend Hagrid also looked like he wanted to rip the infant from his arms and fly far, far away.<p>

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all.

"Professor McGonagall, Hagrid... maybe it would be best to go to Hogwarts," he finally said.

Both of their faces lit up with wide smiles – the first ones that had graced their faces the whole day.

He knew then, as they all appeared in Hogsmeade, and the wizards began to crowd around the boy, cooing about how brave he was, that he had made the right choice.

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><p>All the living residents of Hogwarts stared at the small boy sitting in Minerva McGonagall's lap. He gurgled happily, reaching for the Transfiguration teacher's glasses. Smiles went all around. "Now, now, your father always stole my glasses as well. Try not to get into the same habits," Minerva chided, though the boy just giggled, reaching for her glasses again.<p>

Soon, the boy was being passed around to each Professor. Even Snape held the boy, an odd expression on his face as he looked into the bright green eyes.

Yes, the boy would have a much better life in Hogwarts than anywhere else.

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><p>At five years old, Harry Potter had had a very happy, if short, life, filled with many beloved family members, though none of them were actually related.<p>

There was Grandfather Dumbledore, who he believed to be quite nuts, but was still his favorite. After all, the man obviously was the only one who understood he was a growing boy that needed sweets.

There was Aunt Minerva who always got this pinched look when he called her 'Auntie Minnie.' Technically, she should be grandmother, but she had glared at him the first time he even suggested it.

There was Crazy Aunt Trelawney, who he usually stayed away from, unless Angry Uncle Snape was having a bad day – her mysterious aura always drove the older man off. Harry believed the greasy haired man was slightly afraid of her.

There was Distant Aunt Sinistra, who was always nice, even though he could only find her in the top tower. Personally, he was a bit frightened she might fall off the tower. When he told her this, she laughed and just sent him off to dinner.

There was Really Short Uncle Flitwick (he wasn't allowed to call him Midget Uncle), who let him torture the other children during his class. Apparently, the man was a bit annoyed that his students used Charms to talk about their personal problems. He always complained that Aunt Minnie never had to deal with this. So, he allowed Harry to do whatever he wanted during the class. The only other person that let Harry into the classes was Snape, because the man enjoyed seeing the Gryffindors and Slytherins suffer.

There was Aunt Sprout, who didn't get a nickname because she was the most practical out of them. She also allowed him to borrow some of her plants to throw at the students when he was absolutely bored. Secretly, he thought she only let this happen so she could use his name as a threat to the students.

There was Scary Aunt Poppy, who always wanted to keep him in the Hospital Wing when he was sick. But, she was around for most of the day, and let him terrorize her patients once they were healed well enough. Usually, they weren't found in the Hospital Wing until the next year.

There was Obviously Insane Uncle Kettleburn, who lost some part of himself almost every year. Harry wondered if the man was going to disappear completely, or die at the hands of Scary Aunt Poppy. It was probably the latter.

Then there was Normal Aunt Burbage, who seemed to be the least crazy of all of them. Unfortunately, this meant she didn't let him scare her students.

And finally, there was Brother Hagrid, who seemed a bit dangerous, but was extremely nice. Plus, the man was super tall, and that, frankly, was awesome! Harry was a bit devastated to learn he would never be that tall, but then Hagrid told him that was a good thing, so he shrugged it off.

Yes, his family was a bit strange. But Harry had imagined several possibilities where he lived in a cupboard with an abusive and neglectful aunt and uncle, and decided that he was much better off. Although Harry knew he might grow up to be a bit sadistic, it was much better than being malnourished.

Now, if only he could find a seed from the Whomping Willow... those seventh years wouldn't know what hit them.


	2. A Question of Housing

**A Question of Housing**

_A house is made of walls and beams; a house is built with love and dreams. - Anonymous_

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><p>"You don't want to be Sorted?" Dumbledore asked a little bewildered.<p>

It was dinner time at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, about a month before school started for a now eleven-year-old Harry Potter. He, of course, having been present for previous Sortings, knew what would occur at the Welcoming Feast.

However, he had long since decided that if he entered any House, many of the teachers would be highly displeased. If he made it into Gryffindor, McGonagall would get this evil glint in her eye, and would resume her House Rivalry with Snape. If he made it into Slytherin, Snape would become triumphant, and McGonagall's pranking tendencies would come out. If he was Sorted into Hufflepuff, Sprout would pretend to be humble about the fact, but rub it into Flitwick's face later. And if he made it into Ravenclaw, Flitwick would get this smug smile on his face and mumble nonstop about "the power of knowledge prevailing."

Yes, Harry did not want to deal with that. Or the explosions that might follow afterwards.

"Well, it's not that I don't want to," Harry explained, from where he sat in between McGonagall and Dumbledore. "It's that I can't."

"Why?" McGonagall asked.

Harry's eye twitched. He mumbled something along the line of, "explosions" and "effing crazy family."

Dumbledore blinked, and then chuckled, apparently catching onto Harry's meaning. McGonagall just looked confused.

"What will the other students say, though?" McGonagall asked.

"Eh, I'll just pull the whole pity card on them. You know, about being the Boy-Who-Lived without parents and what not, killed off the famous Dark Lord. Yeah." Harry shrugged.

McGonagall stared at him, probably wondering when he became so manipulating. Her eyes moved to the oblivious Headmaster, who was still chuckling to himself. Harry giggled under his breath; apparently, she had figured it out. They thought Snape was bad? Ha! The Slytherin Head had nothing on the Headmaster.

Although, Harry thought, pouting slightly, Dumbledore refused to teach him the twinkling technique. How disappointing. That thing was disturbing.

"Well, I suppose if you just kept your own quarters it doesn't matter," McGonagall muttered, bringing Harry out of his thoughts.

"So, no Sorting?"

"No, my boy, I think it would be a bit detrimental," said Dumbledore, eyeing his rather distinctive staff. "Plus, you already have your own living quarters, so there is simply no reason for it."

Harry smiled evilly. Ah, he always knew how to get his way.

Now onto the next problem: how to get the passwords for the other common rooms...

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><p><span>Note:<span> I had this on my computer for a while, and since everyone loved the first so much, I thought I'd post it. Hope you liked it!


	3. A Conversation over Chess

**A Conversation over Chess**

_A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. - Emo Philips_

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><p>Dumbledore's first mistake was mentioning the Forbidden Third Floor in Harry's presence. His second was mentioning the three headed dog. Thus, Harry's curiosity was spiked.<p>

So, in reality, all of what happened next was his fault. And Harry would be sure to tell Aunt Poppy this later.

In the meantime, he stared at the gigantic chessboard. He felt quite scrawny next to the huge chess pieces. Ugh. This was obviously a huge Transfiguration spell. What a menace. And if he knew Aunt Minnie (as if he was actually going to say McGonagall all the time) she would have made it so anyone had to play across the board.

Problem: He was awful at chess.

Solution: Annoy them.

Hey, it worked with people, why not animated chess pieces.

"Hey, you!" Harry shouted, throwing a finger at a pawn.

No reaction. Damn. This was going to be really hard when the pieces could do the best stone face Harry had ever seen in his life.

"Yeah, I'm talking to you. You like being a pawn? You think you're tough? Well, guess what, you're usually the one that dies first! Haha! How do you like them apples? And you!" Harry rounded on the knight. "What's so good about moving in an L shape? You think you're special? Well you're not! And a rook? Hell, isn't that a bird? Why can't you just be a castle? Why can't you decide what you are? Don't you have an identity crisis or something? I know I would."

He was absolutely sure if the pieces were people, they'd be running by now.

Harry sighed; he was going to have to find Ron or a Ravenclaw to get past this, wasn't he?

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><p><span>Note:<span> Got some awesome news today, so I thought I'd post this little short. And no idea who Emo Philips is, but the quote is awesome.


	4. A Forbidden Jaunt

**A Forbidden Jaunt**

_Bunny slippers give me confidence because they're so jaunty. They make a statement; they say, 'Nothing the world does to me can ever get me so far down that I can't be silly and frivolous.' - Dean Koontz_

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><p>"Follow the spiders, follow the spiders! Why couldn't it have been follow the butterflies?"*<p>

"Or follow that random Ford Angela that suddenly appears to be driving itself. Whatever _did _your father do to that thing?"

"I thought it was quite delightful."

Silence.

Harry let out a great, dramatic sigh, and began walking back to the Castle ahead of Luna and Ron. "This is why I tell Gramps – er, Dumbledore – he needs to get a school psychiatrist. But does he listen to me? Noooo. Everything's completely fine! It's not like we have about five hundred magical kids stuck in one school and wandering around attacking each other. It's not like we have deadly things just waiting for those kids to come. It's not like one of the Ravenclaws thought a wonderful run among the Acromantula was fun!"

"Hey, it was your idea in the first place," Ron said, oddly defending Luna for once.

Harry paused.

"Crap! Get me to a psychiatrist fast! I might end up looking for the Chamber of Secrets without one!"

Ron groaned. "No, no way in hell."

"I think you're as sane as I am, Harry," Luna said serenely.*

Well, now he knew he was doomed.

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><p>*First starred line is taken from the movie. Second is roughly taken from the fifth book.<p>

Another short one. But after the idea of Harry ranting about psychiatrists got into my head, I couldn't not write it. And I always wanted to use the word jaunt.


	5. A Debate over Sanity

**Does Sanity Matter?**

_I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity. – Edgar Allen Poe_

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><p>So, his grandfather was one of the most powerful wizards in England. His multiple aunts and uncles were questionably sane, and almost always bickering. And all his friends – which he secretly considered to be somewhat like brothers and sisters, seeing as they lived at Hogwarts – were equally, if not more than, insane as his makeshift family.<p>

But it seemed his family could become even more discombobulated.

He was now looking at his godfather, convicted (illegally) murderer.

Strangely, he was okay with that. A small smile – one without mischief, scorn or any of his usual feeling – spread across his face.

How odd. Genuine smiles were not his forte. Panic almost welled up in him; he wasn't used to these warm, fuzzy feelings. They had been quickly stamped down when he was seven, and needed to grow up to face the older years.

Maybe warm, fuzzy feelings were okay. Even if his entire family should possibly be in a mental institution.

Calm overtook the panic.

"Here." Harry nudged Buckbeak over to Sirius, well aware of Hermione's scrutinizing stare. "You better get going."

Sirius nodded, still looking dazed that he had been rescued. "We'll meet again," he promised. He swung his leg over the hippogriff, and in another second, he was gone.

"Are you okay?" Hermione asked quietly.

Harry scoffed, dropping the gentle smile off his face before she could see it. "Please. I just found out my godfather is regarded as an insane convict among the whole wizarding society. Do you know what that will do to my reputation?" A truly evil grin broke out on his face at the thought. "I'm _great._"

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><p><span>Note:<span> Realized that I had kind of went off the topic of family, and brought it back. Plus, I was bored. That always helps.


	6. Interlude: Age 7

**Interlude: Age 7**

_There are no seven wonders of the world in the eyes of a child. There are seven million. - Walt Streightiff_

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><p>Melissa Prewett was a terrifying creature to perceive. Tiny though she may be, she held power in her that no man could match. Along with her dueling skills, she was an impressive sight. So, stalking down the hallways, with her red hair flying about her, all the smart children jumped out of her way. The others... got crushed.<p>

"Bill Weasley!" Melissa shrieked. "What are these rumors that I've heard you spreading about me!"

"Rumors?" Bill said, nonplussed. "I–"

"Don't play dumb, Weasley." Melissa came to a stop in front of him, eyes smoldering. "You think I'm just playing tough? You think I couldn't hurt a fly? We'll see, Weasley... we'll see..."

Bill winced, attempting to back away from the looming female. But for him, it was much too late.

The screams could be heard throughout the castle.

Two hours later, a frowning Madam Pomfrey finally caught up to a giggling seven-year-old child. Hands on hips, she quirked an eyebrow at him. "What did you do now, you little devil?"

The seven-year-old Harry Potter pouted. "Nuthin'!" he declared, crossing his arms over his tiny chest and turning wide, innocent green eyes up at her. Besides, he thought – sulking as Aunt Poppy dragged him to bathe – the guy stole the last of his treacle tart. He totally deserved it.

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><p><span>Note:<span> This was supposed to be Year 4, but this suddenly came to me. I might be poking fun a bit at anime women, who can suddenly wipe the ground with male protagonists, but still be at the mercy of the antagonists. All in the name of humor of course. As usual, I have no idea who the quote came from.


	7. A Forgotten Janitor

**A Forgotten Janitor**

_LOL, you forgot Filch. - Reishin Amara_

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><p>Argus stared down at the devil in disguise. The devil in disguise, otherwise known as Harry Potter, stared back defiantly. A little growl loosed from Filch's throat – completely, by accident, of course. He wasn't trying to scare the child or anything. Not that anything could scare the thirteen-year-old, probably.<p>

"Look, I'm sorry," Harry said for what was probably the millionth time.

"Sorry?" Filch repeated. "_Sorry?_"

"Man, I think you're overreacting. And going a bit red. Are you going to have a stroke? Should I get Aunt Poppy?" Harry smacked his head. Who does that? Argus wondered. "Wait, can't do that. She'll get mad at me for running away from the hospital wing. I guess you're just going to have to have your stroke here. Don't worry, I'll help. Even though I'll probably just watch. Maybe Dumbledore will be able to do something? Or–"

"SHUT UP!" Argus roared. Harry took a step back, blinking rapidly. Filch took a deep breath, just as the Anger Management teacher had told him to do. "I. Am. Not. Having. A. Stroke."

"If. You. Say. So."

Filch's eyes narrowed. "Don't mock me, boy," he warned, eyes flashing. "You're already on my bad side."

Harry frowned. "Look, I already said I was sorry. But I really don't think having a janitor as a not related Uncle would be good for my reputation."

"THAT'S IT!" Steaming, Argus stormed away, leaving Harry to wonder what he said.

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><p><span>Note:<span> I was looking for inspiration in my reviews when I stumbled upon Reishin Amara's, and I just had to write this. Thank you, by the way! This is the first thing that I've wrote in months that I didn't delete. Not as funny as the others? Short? Odd? Mostly just Harry rambling? Who cares! I FINALLY WROTE SOMETHING!


	8. For the Cup

**For the Cup**

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><p>It hadn't taken long for Harry to realize he was screwed. He didn't need Hermione detailing all the ways champions had died in the past. He didn't need Ron's sympathetic glances. And he certainly did <em>not<em> need Draco's offer to fund his funeral. He, of all people, knew what it meant to be a "champion" in the Triwizard Tournament. After all, he was the one who had to listen to Binns drone on about the Tournament for _five hours_. Aunt Poppy was just cruel with her punishments.

He knew very well the Tournament meant competing with people who had several more years of experience, and a lot more people backing them up. The whole school was furious with him. Totally unfair; it wasn't like he wanted to be champion. Now he couldn't control the betting system!

So, when Flitwick suggested he campaign to get onto the school's better side, Harry took his advice.

Although, he had to admit, putting the posters up probably wasn't the most tasteful thing.

They were a bright, glowing, monstrosity. He had cast a charm, with Hermione's help (she would later yell at him for using her to do something so stupid) to make it flick between different glowing colors. In bold, flashing neon gold writing, it said - _POTTER FOR THE CUP. BECAUSE WHO KNOWS POTTERY BETTER THAN A POTTER?_

In truth, the rest of the school was probably angrier at him for his bad puns.

Dumbledore got a good chuckle out of it, at least. Snape, on the other hand… he spent two hours lecturing Harry on the finer use of wordplay.

Harry sighed as Snape continued talking; if the third task didn't kill him, then Snape would.

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><p>Note: I'm sorry for the bad puns. And for updating this after so long. I realize this isn't even family based, just Harry being weird... oops.<p>

But don't let that stop you from reviewing!


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